Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize