He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
