I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
