Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
