You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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