We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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