I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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