just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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