you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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