The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
