So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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