i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
