is your mom at the bar?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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