Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
