I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
