If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
