I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Need sex. Gaining weight.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
