You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
