wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
