I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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