I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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