He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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