My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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