woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize