omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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