Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He has the fingertips of a God
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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