after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
