I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
