Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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