Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
