I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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