ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
