I'm really into asian looking animals
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize