Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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