Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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