Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize