If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
