How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
