peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
