Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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