i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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