I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
