you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
