my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
