as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize