I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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