My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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