please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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