I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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