is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
