apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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