I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
