I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
