we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
