Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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