So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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