I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize