im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
