Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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