I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
